How to Handle Fear of Rejection?
Susan and Joe have been married for 6 years but off late they are having issues. Susan is constantly fearing that her husband doesn’t love her anymore. She fears he is going to leave her. Simple event create lot of anxiety and restlessness. Two days back, Susan asked Joe to join her to a party at her best friend’s house, but Joe had other plans and he said he is busy and will not be able to make it to party. Susan could feel a pain in her chest as if something heavy just landed in her chest. Now is Susan is doing something wrong or is Joe at fault or is it none’s fault. How can Susan handle this situation? Is she being rejected?
The Only thing that matters in life, is your own opinion about yourself. This powerful statement by Osho encompasses all that matters, or should in fact, matter. Since time immemorial, being accepted as a part of the tribe was a matter of life or death. Your life was dictated by the tribe’s policies and you had to adhere to it or risk being ostracized. But we are no longer living in the dark ages and our lives are definitely not being dictated by a sect or a group.
But yet, unfortunately, the majority of us are possessed by this constant incessant need for validation in order to feel accomplished or even moderately successful. And worse still, there are individuals who are willing to risk their very lives in order to be considered successful or be perceived as a class above the rest. Sounds unbelievable? Its not. The skin lightening industry in South Korea is booming. Individuals are willing to inject their bodies with dangerous products in order to look beautiful. Some have even died as a result, but is that a deterrent? A resounding No is the answer. It’s a multi-billion-dollar industry which is being fueled by individuals who just can’t accept themselves for who they are and are chasing an ideal image that sadly doesn’t exist.
Personally, I think it’s a “herd mentality”. Allow me to enumerate. It’s doing exactly what the crowd is doing and supposedly since everyone is doing it, it must be right. Where does self esteem come into the picture? I believe that question is going to be answered with a smirk and a disapproving nod of the head. A surgical procedure, duh ! Isn’t that what everyone in their right mind is doing nowadays in order to look sophisticated and progressive? The number of people who are resorting to such means is just astounding. A sorry state of affairs indeed.
So, where do we start? How do we stem this reckless tide? I believe, it must start young, but even more so, we must be grounded in a set of unshakeable belief systems.
Let’s face it. Nothing is perfect. Life is uncertain. Relationships are complex and everyone is racing to be a better version. And the way the world is speeding, my assumption is that it will only get progressively complex and fast paced. We simply cannot sustain that pace with negative self talk day in and day out and deliberately choosing to dwell on negative comments and altering our entire personalities as a result. Why is crime and racism on the rise? Somewhere along the way, we just couldn’t handle the constant criticism and hate. Somewhere, somehow the external statement became an internal reality. It’s a dangerous state of affairs. Malcom Gladwell’s award-winning book “the tipping point” is a masterpiece and somewhere I can’t help but think whether we are reaching a tipping point in this mad dash to be like everyone else.
You can’t teach self esteem and great principles of relationships in a textbook. It must be an exercise of self- transformation that each individual must be willing to embark on. Great marriages and great relationships are built on trust and breathing space. There is an element of adventure and fun as well that makes life interesting. But, it’s a delicate balance and requires a great deal of effort and understanding.
So, there you have it. In relationships and in life, stop comparing yourself to the rest of the world. You are not here to run their race. You are here to run yours. We always hear these words, “Be kind to others”, and rarely talk about being kind to ourselves. Maybe, it’s time we made a slight adjustment there.
So wherever you are right now, reading this, whether at home on the couch or at work, I want you to always look for the possibilities in life. Rejection is a possibility, but what matters is how you handle it in order to become a better version of yourself. Many times we are tempted to blow things way out of proportion due to our incorrect perceptions, and sadly live to regret it. Spare yourself the pain. Life is too short, anyway. Robert Kiyosaki has summed it up beautifully, “The better you are at communicating, negotiating, and handling your fear of rejection, and the easier life is.” The next time you are rejected and you are tempted to throw in the towel remind yourself, “Failure is not Fatal. Keep walking. One step at a time.”
I am sharing with you step simple yet powerful tips that can help you to see beyond being rejected. There is a possibility that you are actually doing something that acts as a trigger for someone to reject you, like being over-possessive or too clingy. The other possibility is the other person is responsible and not you.
How would you deal this situation?
This fear can be very extreme and pervasive. In Psychology we understand there are people who internalize all bad things that happens to them – They feel they are somehow responsible for what happen and they victimize themselves. They also externalize whatever happens good meaning they cannot take credit for anything good that happens.
This make a perfect recipe for Depression and perpetual hopelessness.
Think of alternate explanations whenever things go wrong or not as you wished. This might be difficult in the starting as it is not your way of handling rejection. But eventually you will build that muscle and become an unconscious habit for you.
Challenge the idea itself. If someone rejects your suggestion, does it mean that you are being rejected? It can be relative and it can mean the suggestion or the proposal doesn’t fit in the scheme of things but you are not being rejected here.
In Emotional intelligence practice session, we understand we cannot shift from a high intensity unpleasant emotion to a high intensity pleasant emotion. It will always follow a path of of high intensity unpleasant emotion to low intensity unpleasant emotion to low intensity pleasant emotion to high intensity pleasant emotion.
So think of possibilities to navigate the emotions and help yourself by not being very critical about yourself.
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Sajid Ahamed is a “Certified trainer of NLP” and organizes John Grinder-approved training in India and the Middle East. He is one of the few ITA (International Training Academy) trainers in the world who are authorized to run New Code and Master Practitioner NLP Certifications in India and the Middle East. He has more than 1000 hours of coaching experience and is an ICF accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He is also certified and authorized to conduct Emotional intelligence Assessments by Six Seconds, international. He is a firm believer in high performance. He enjoys engaging in powerful conversations that lead to effective learning and results. Sajid empowers his clients to achieve their most significant potential and evolve into their personal best version through emotionally intelligent coaching.
He is presently pursuing his PhD in Alternative therapies and Integrative Medicines and completed studies in Islamic Psychotherapy from Chicago School of Professional Psychology.
He is also the Founder of Inner Peace Life Coaching Pvt. Ltd, India, which specializes in Coaching in variety of Modalities like NLP, EFT, EI and Energy coaching.